Forgiving My Neurons

How do I forgive my body? Stupidly it refuses my wishes time after time. My mind says, “Stop!” It has to go, hurtling into its own internal, impulsive deeds. What can I say? Autism is a really big challenge at times. It sometimes gets easier and I hope that is the trend, and then, out of nowhere, some new order is established. I must do what it says. My will is taken over by a body with its own mind.
I learned from hard experience that I have to fight it with all my might. I decided long ago that I would not be a slave to impulses that ruin my future, my present, and my happiness. However, I am not always sure or able to defeat the impulses. This makes me get really sad and start to hate my body, my neurons, and my trapped self. It is harder to fight impulses in a depression.
Now that I have moaned and whined, I must decide what to do. Can I give in or quit trying? Never. I must keep thinking that I will have the guts to keep on, even if it feels overwhelming. It is pointless to hate my body and neurons because I let them trap me in self rage. 
My body is not at fault. It is trapped too. My neurons aren’t at fault. They don’t hurt me on purpose. This is a crime with no criminals. I think I must let go of my frustration and anger. Wishing I wasn’t autistic may truly be the recipe for misery. My mind is free, my body strong, and my soul can fly.  If I let it go I can find peace inside. I must love my body as is. It is part of me, though I may not always feel that way, I will get no other. I may as well love it and get hope rather than hate it and get angry.
I think anger is only worthwhile if channeled to fix things. My anger was just a mass of resentment and fury. That is pointless and destructive. I am spiritual and I am sure God loves me as I am. If God can love me with autism then I can do no less.

5 responses to “Forgiving My Neurons

  1. All done! I have read all your blog in one day! It makes me happy and proud of my son, once again. Thanks for all. Keep on writting pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease 🙂

  2. Dear Ido,

    I discovered your blog from reading “Jewels of Elul” and the loving story of your beloved Oma. May she rest in peace. I share my heart-felt condolences with you.

    Thank you very much for what you have written, because for the first time I have an understanding of “autism”, according to your truth and clear thoughts. Listening to you, I am sure, will make me a better person. Immediately I forwarded your blog, and especially your earlier July 16th post, “What is Autism?” to my daughter, and to a close friend, both whom are Speech Therapists working with young autistic children. My friend uses a telepathic medium to assist her with the children. I just read your entire post to her while she was driving home from a prison where she volunteers doing spiritual work. These people are also “imprisoned”. My friend will be in touch with you. After hearing me read out loud your story, my friend said she will read your post at the national association of Speech Therapists convention. I hope that this advances “YOUR hope to change the way we understand autism.” I also told my friend about your writing video that I watched. Half a century ago, when I was in college, I too worked with autistic children.

    I send you many blesSings in all the ways you want and need them, including for us to know “truth”. May your school year be wonderful for you. As you mention in your last sentence of this August 24th post, I, too, have gotten through a tough period of life telling myself that “G*d loves me.”

    Joy Krauthammer

  3. Thank you for taking the time and energy to express yourself. Your words are like windows.
    Thank you for being so open and giving others a view of what it is like. This will help me in my work and to inspire others that work with other young people like yourself.
    Endless appreciation!

  4. I prayed to God for understanding and a better connection with my autistic son. I stumbled here. You have opened a world for my family. I feel as a new person and a better mother because of your blog. I just ordered your book on Amazon.

  5. I always wanted to try neurofeedback for my anxiety and to help my son with the symptoms of his autism. Have you ever tried this? I would like to know what you think about it.

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