Category Archives: emotions

Prayers for My Oma

I have a really lovely grandmother. On the outside she is lively, humorous, interested in many things, and she enjoys life and its ups and downs. She had a big family of four children so she is forever thinking about her family, which is a lot bigger now. She is a stubborn woman too. She resists help. She fights against pity. I have seen her recover from a serious injury. At that time she really didn’t look the way she should at all. She could barely walk or talk, and she stopped acting like herself.

Then, she stubbornly recovered. In a worst case for her, to be limited is unthinkable. She gets motivated by challenges. I would like to have more of her fighting spirit in me. Sometimes I get too lazy, I think.

Last week my lovely grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I found out a day after my graduation. In a way I knew it was serious because my mom and dad were visiting her often in the hospital. My uncle is a doctor and he came to town to see her, and my parents kept getting text messages all day. I never imagined cancer, though. We always thought about her heart, not her cells. She just had surgery and is trying to recover from it. I will be hoping and praying for her.

Since I behave so restlessly I don’t sit quietly easily in a hospital. It’s not a time for me to get restless. She needs quiet. So, my visits are really brief. I try to work on it because I need to. She needs moral support and I need more self control. It’s a thing of too much emotion for me. It’s hard for autistic people to control since we feel the emotions so strongly.

Wishing my grandmother comfort, strength and healing.

Emotional Overflow

The struggle for emotional control is always with me. I try to meet the world on its terms. I need to calm myself to do that. It’s not too bad if I feel OK inside. If I don’t, Oh boy. I find it is a train that rolls so swiftly that even if the engineer tries to stop it, the momentum keeps moving me onward. Once I stop I feel so embarrassed or sorry.

The triggers can be silly to others. Inside, they are serious.

I get nervous. It overflows. I get stressed. It overflows.
It overflows.
Oh man, do I hate that.
I behave the way people expect autistic people to act when I overflow, so they assume I’m not smart or something. Then I stop trying.

Do you see other autistic people do this too? It sounds silly, but it is common. I think it explains the tantrums some kids have. They tantrum from fear, anxiety or stress, but oh how quickly it becomes anger if people try to stop it with “hands down” or “no” or “all done” to a teenager.

The train is stopped by rules and understanding.