To Flee or Not to Flee

Posted on January 25, 2012 | 1 comment

I love hiking in nature, yet I complain often while I do it. I mean, I complain in my non-talking style. For at least a mile I keep saying, “Go home”, yet I love the trails, the pretty scenery, the trees, the exercise, the pace, and the joy of my dogs. It is weird. I am really happy to be there but if we turned around I would go. Once I’m in a groove, I’m better. I know a guy who mostly leaves places right after arriving. He is overwhelmed and wants to flee. In autism the urge to flee is common. I think many people feel this way, like, “Get me out of here NOW!!”, but in autism we have a harder time ignoring the pressure of the moment. I think many people with autism feel overwhelmed and may try to escape. This is like a panic attack, in my opinion. If I feel relaxed I get no urge to flee. I know many autistic people get overwhelmed in places that are overly stimulating. In hiking it is different because I truly enjoy it. It is almost like a tic or something when I say “go home”, but I am glad my parents insist I walk the entire loop. It is lovely being ignored- ha ha- because my mouth isn’t speaking what I truly want.

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Happy and Sad

Posted on January 18, 2012 | 2 comments

It is a happy and sad time for me. My new high school is a nice, very caring place. My teachers are better than my old school. My classes are smaller, and it is more easy-going in general, so this part of my life is much, much happier than last semester. I am sad because my grandmother is not well. I don’t visit her now because she is too frail and I don’t control my movements well. I know she is leaving me in the near future, though we never know when, but my heart weeps inside. She is such a lovely soul and she hurts now too much. It is an amazing journey to live a life, and hers makes the world a kinder place. It is life, I guess. Joy and sorrow are always in the wings waiting for us. Sometimes one. Sometimes the other. Sometimes both at once.

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Posted in autism, emotions, happiness, sadness

Dumbstruck

Posted on January 13, 2012 | 4 comments

I had a weird experience recently. I asked a lady who was talking to me as if I was an infant if she could talk to me normally- and she said, “I won’t. I talk to all people with autism this way”. I was dumbstruck. I never had someone say this to me before. What do you think about this attitude?

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Posted in autism, frustration, tolerance

If They Were in My Old School

Posted on January 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

Tomorrow I start over in my high school. I transferred mid-year to a new school. I was very miserable in my old high school. I won’t elaborate now on what happened or why I had to go to have a happy high school experience. I got lucky. Two days before the semester ended my parents were able to get me into a new school. I think it will be a much more welcoming environment.

I wonder how my old high school would have treated Stephen Hawking, or Helen Keller, or Erik Weihenmayer if they had been students there. The first two were communication impaired and required one on one assistance. Helen fingerspelled her ideas into Annie Sullivan’s hand. She was independently thinking, not writing, in her earlier years. Would she have been accused of not doing her own work? Would they have resented her noises and too visible disability? Stephen Hawking is needing a lot of support. Would he be seen as an expensive burden, or worth giving the trained help he needs? Erik Weihenmayer is blind. Who knows? He might hurt himself.

The reason I bring up these three amazing individuals is not to compare myself with them but to imagine how my old high school would have treated them in the years they were different, severely challenged in a big high school environment, but not famous yet. I think it is easy to know the answer. Maybe they would have decided enough is enough like I did.
Onward and upward. It is time to start over.

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Posted in autism theories, disability, mainstreaming, school, tolerance

The Internal Autismland

Posted on January 3, 2012 | 3 comments

The frustration of having autism is matched sometimes by the frustration of the parents of an autistic person. It takes so much work, perseverance, and motivation to fight on the bad days or moments when Autismland swallows their child whole. My poor parents say it is remote and far away expressions I make in those times. How I annoy others when I’m in Autismland is a problem.

Choosing to stop or escape is not always possible. My parents or aide have different strategies to pull me back to reality. I exercise or think. They make me do one or both. It helps a lot forcing me to think when my brain is sliding into sensory heaven. It is a struggle between my senses and my mind. If no one helps, my senses usually will dominate when I’m in one of those moments.

Now, I realize I’m no picnic during one of those episodes. The horrible thing is I bug others then, but I don’t change in the way I want because I don’t have the control I need when these episodes occur. Other times I get easy control over myself. It may need lots of training, like sports and music skills. I notice jumping jacks help me reset my mind too. I think the difficulty is the intense OCD aspect. It is hard to resist sometimes. It is scary too to be at the mercy of stims or impulses but I am appreciative when people persevere in helping me regain control of myself and return to Normal-Land.

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Posted in autism, body responsiveness, sensory system, stims, strategies

Understanding Autism

Posted on December 29, 2011 | 1 comment

I correspond with a neuroscientist about autism. He asks me questions about things regarding autistic behavior to help explain what we think on the inside. I find many interpretations are incorrect but few experts ask me or people like me to explain. I guess it is hard because we often can’t communicate so they have to get information from doing trial and error or interviewing Asperger’s people. I feel both have led researchers astray.

Observations may show the result but miss the cause. Asperger’s is also a trial. It isn’t my trial, however. Recently I was interviewed by a filmmaker with Asperger’s. He was surprised at every answer I gave. This tells me that autism like mine and Asperger’s like his are fundamentally different in so many ways, and if researchers turn to people like him to explain the way people like me act they may interpret my behavior for his condition.

I am so grateful to be part of the solution now and to help researchers think differently about why we autistic non-verbal people act as we do. The worst frustration is to be misunderstood and I hope my book will shed light on what autism is for many of us.

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Posted in asperger's, autism research, non-verbal autism

Stims, Tics, and Freedom

Posted on December 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

I wish I could stop the majority of my stims. It is sort of weird to imagine my life without the stim in charge of my impulses. It is hard to explain what it feels like to people who have never stimmed, though perhaps you can imagine if you have tics or weird habits that are hard to stop. I see kids playing with their hair, gum, biting their nails. These are stim-like, though not as compelling, I’m sure. Stims are not conscious. They are relaxing, distracting, or invigorating depending on which one it is. Some are entertainment stims too.

The problem with stims us that they make me and other autistic people remote, detached, and hard to connect to. I think this is how stims are different than biting nails, for example, which is a habit. Biting nails isn’t a doorway into another realm, but stims are. It is the reason why I find it hard to eliminate them from my life.

They are compelling, tempting, and easily accessed. To resist is hard beyond imagining. I think I’d love to have just one stim free day to have a respite and see what life can be without stims in it. Would it be boring or flat, or just calmer? I don’t know. I guess I would quickly adjust to a new way if it was available, but it isn’t as of yet.

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Posted in autism, self stimulatory behavior, sensory system, stims

Hills in Seismic Country

Posted on December 20, 2011 | Leave a comment

I love hills and folded rows of land nestled in our valley. Seismic movements created this rippled landscape. I imagine the power of the seismic energy when I see these crumpled mounds of earth in the trails. It is clear a tremendous pressure has been quietly at work here, and looming is a big jolt one day too. The hills are innocently waiting to be disrupted again. They don’t anticipate becoming taller or more crumpled so they have trees of oak on them, shrubs, and waving grass. Birds innocently hop in and out of the shrubs and the coyotes stand watching on the hilltops, hoping to get a rabbit or squirrel. The path is muddy from rain a week ago in the shady spots, and the sunny spots show dried horse hoof prints, mountain bike tire prints, and the sure proof that dogs have gone by, not to mention deer and owls too. The wind rushes through the canyons and my ears are overwhelmed so I walk with my hands on my ears when that happens. It is a tease because I know around the bend it will stop, the sun will be out, and the breeze will be quiet again. On the path I feel calm.

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Posted in autism, hiking, nature

Onward Upward

Posted on December 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

Well, I am starting a new high school next semester. It is good to be free of my old school and entering a new one. I feel welcome and accepted. This is a wonderful change. Why some schools are friendly and others not is a subject good to explore another day. I am hopeful now that I can enjoy high school and that I will succeed there. Hope is great because I felt hopeless in my last school that I could enjoy it, be relaxed, and feel supported. It is a good lesson because some systems can’t be fought. The system is closed and you can’t change it. The only solution is to get out and even that wasn’t easy. It is a start to my new year in 2012 that I will go to a warmer and far more welcoming school. I will need to adjust to all new routines, classes, schedule, and environment, but I’m sure I will and I’m really looking forward to it.

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Posted in adversity, autism education, school

Lizard Brain

Posted on December 14, 2011 | 3 comments

Autism is a very frustrating disorder. I can be totally impulsive. I get foods I shouldn’t take. I see it. I take it. No thought at all. I see things I want to spill or spray or touch. No thought at all. It is my lizard brain. It is almost reflexive. I think eventually, when I am caught. Then my reasoning is totally stung with remorse. I hate my impulsive actions.

I live in a dual world. On the one hand I have an intelligent mind and I think deeply. On the other hand, I only react to impulses, like a lizard chasing a cricket. Maybe neurologists or neuro-scientists can figure this one out. My whole life is extremes. I am intelligent but I am not able to speak or write like a teen. I can’t even speak as well as a kindergartner. I am impulsive like a baby, but I am a religious thinker like an adult.

Autism is a wild ride. I think it is sort of a blessing to think deeply like I do, but it is so grating to follow my lizard brain as well. I wish I could figure out how to get mastery over it because people rightly get angry and I seem selfish.

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Posted in autism research, impulsivity, intelligence