Adjusting to High School

Posted on August 26, 2011 | 1 comment

I wrote a long blog essay yesterday, but I didn’t post it in the end. I guess it isn’t good to put all thoughts on the internet. It is a very public land on the internet. You can’t expect privacy, but it is a weird forum. I know my most internal thoughts will be read by strangers in places I have never been to. It is odd because you know me in a way, but I get few comments on the blog- I think it requires an account or something- so I get more comments on facebook. The feedback motivates me to keep trying because I hear from parents that I help them try with their autistic kids or that I give them hope.

I feel like I have to calm down inside. For many reasons adjusting to high school has been rough. It has been a huge change, and my first aide was not a good match for me. That didn’t help either, but it will be better next week. I like most of the teachers very much. I’m sure I will learn a lot. I love my English class. It is great. I enjoy Music History too. It is a hard adjustment but a wonderful opportunity.

I am sorry to say I lost it in school. It was so much pressure. I’m sorry I got so flustered. I see hope now. I believe now I’m on the road to being myself in school. I hope I can show my true potential. I’m trying hard.

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Posted in anxiety, autism, motivation

No Limits

Posted on August 18, 2011 | 2 comments

So, school has started. It is feeling a tad overwhelming. I try so hard to not lose my composure. It is a struggle all day. It’s interesting how it affects me. I have an overload of heat, crowded halls, and sitting still. I get so edgy in an instant. I try to control myself. It is a huge effort but I must do it if I want to achieve my dreams. Still, the struggle is hard. But isn’t life a struggle with some benefits of reprieve in between the challenges? It isn’t the other way around. We kid ourselves in imagining it is.

I watch a show called Expedition Impossible. It is a race competition in Morocco with teams of three trying to be the last team standing. One team gets eliminated each week. I see how hard they push themselves in high altitude, or in deserts, or in all kinds of different terrain. They have to mountain climb, repel cliffs, kayak rapids, ride camels, row and sail rafts, do puzzles, and overcome illness and fatigue. It is interesting in a way to see all the types of people in the race. Some are supportive and some are obnoxious, and some are weeping in overwhelmed self pity even though they chose the challenge. It is like me in high school. I chose it, so I must be the not-obnoxious or weepy one.

There is a team I will tell you about. It is a wonderful group of three athletes. One is blind. One is a US soldier who injured his leg severely on the trek. One is the eyes of the blind contestant. In a way he is the spirit of the group. He is so positive and they are all amazingly positive and determined and tough. The blind man, Erik Wiehenmayer, is incredible. He repels cliffs without sight, climbs rocky mountains, kayaks rapids, crosses a river on a zipline- all by verbal tips, and courage. He won’t let his disability stop him though his trek is harder than all the others. They all struggle too. He does it with no sight.

I see his decision to fight against limits. He won’t surrender to the easy way out. It is a good reminder to me too. I have a choice to be lazy or weak, but I will do the struggle. I too want a life not limited by my disability, so I guess I need to remember when I get overwhelmed or school is hard that my goal is my liberation from stagnation and more. I want to succeed as Erik shows me, in spite of autism and in spite of challenges.

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Posted in adversity, anxiety, autism, motivation, overwhelming, school, sensory system

Envy Sucks

Posted on August 13, 2011 | Leave a comment

“If I didn’t have autism…”is a phrase I realize is filled with turmoil. If ever I imagine my life as I wish it was I get so blue, so it’s better to focus on what is, not what it isn’t. I have moments when I envy my sister or cousins or friends. I wish I could socialize with ease like they do. I wish I could be trusted alone. I wish I could learn to do things I can’t, like sports or singing. I hope I don’t sound whiny, but I see what I wish all day and it hurts sometimes. Still, I will keep persevering because I am determined to not waste my life in negative envy. Autism is a challenge I will deal with.

Oscar Pistorius is a hero of mine. He runs at world class speed and he is trying to get into the 2012 Olympics, but the Olympic Committee is trying to keep him out because they say he has an advantage. The advantage is that he has no legs. Ha ha- what an advantage. They claim his prosthetics cheat, so he is struggling against a disability and stupidity, as we disabled people do daily. Still, he is a fighter and I admire his never taking the easy way. He could have sat around moping as a legless kid. Instead he put on prosthesis and played rugby and he ran.

So I guess he had his down moments too. I keep thinking how hard the fight is. I know I have to fight, so I won’t mope. I will see my work to the end, though I realize the end is always out of reach. It’s true my illness is a trial at times. I can’t wish it away any more than Oscar Pistorius can wish his legs back. The solution is to fight envy and deal with what is, not what might have been.

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Posted in autism, emotions, envy, motivation

Envy Sucks

Posted on August 12, 2011 | Leave a comment

“If I didn’t have autism…”is a phrase I realize is filled with turmoil. If ever I imagine my life as I wish it was I get so blue, so it’s better to focus on what is, not what it isn’t. I have moments when I envy my sister or cousins or friends. I wish I could socialize with ease like they do. I wish I could be trusted alone. I wish I could learn to do things I can’t, like sports or singing. I hope I don’t sound whiny, but I see what I wish all day and it hurts sometimes. Still, I will keep persevering because I am, determined to not waste my life in negative envy. Autism is a challenge I will deal with.

Oscar Pistorius is a hero of mine. He runs at world class speed and he is trying to get into the 2012 Olympics, but the Olympic Committee is trying to keep him out because they say he has an advantage. The advantage is that he has no legs. Ha ha- what an advantage. They claim his prosthetics cheat, so he is struggling against a disability and stupidity, as we disabled people do daily. Still, he is a fighter and I admire his never taking the easy way. He could have sat around moping as a legless kid. Instead he put on prosthesis and played rugby and he ran.

So I guess he had his down moments too. I keep thinking how hard the fight is. I know I have to fight, so I won’t mope. I will see my work to the end, though I realize the end is always out of reach. It’s true my illness is a trial at times. I can’t wish it away any more than Oscar Pistorius can wish his legs back. The solution is to fight envy and deal with what is, not what might have been.

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Posted in autism, emotions, envy, motivation

Starting High School

Posted on August 8, 2011 | 1 comment
Next week I go to a huge high school. It is intimidating. Still, I am so thrilled to have the chance to go. I think often how lucky I am to have escaped autism education. It was well-meaning, so I feel no anger about bad intentions. But however good the intentions, the result was stagnation in insufferable boredom.  How many times must I do my schedule or read the same stupid words over and over? The days were repetitive. I learned nothing academic, so the journey I have been on for four years is the beginning of the true education of Ido.
I understand the school mostly has to accept a disabled kid by law. Not to complain, but my mom looked into a private high school to see if they would be interested in having me, but they were totally determined to not have me (but they never said it was because of autism). So, public school is a welcome doorway for me to have a chance to learn.  I worked very hard to get to the point to go to regular high school. I realize I am at a crossroad in my life. I intend to work hard and earn this opportunity. 
I am not under any illusions that the school is thrilled to have a seriously disabled student. I am a challenge. I am expensive because I need an aide. But I am a student who is pioneering opportunities for the disabled too. I am doing the same work as all the other kids so I don’t expect charity or pity, only I hope to get tolerance, sensitivity to my situation, and fair treatment. The doors open on Monday, and I’ll try my best.

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Posted in autism education, mainstreaming, motvation

Cherishing Our Loved Ones

Posted on August 4, 2011 | 2 comments

I was thinking about my grandma. She is a really brave and nice woman. In the weeks since her cancer was diagnosed she has gone through hard times. She had surgery to remove a tumor that was spreading the disease, and she is not young. Recovery is hard and she is getting stronger slowly. I know she is still living with cancer that was not removed so I know she is ill still. I think we need to make time to enjoy her brave and lovely presence as much as we can. We sometimes forget in our troubles and busy days to cherish our loved ones, but when one is sick it focuses this need. I love my Oma. Each time I see her is precious.

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Posted in autism, emotions, family

Me, Nick, Sydney and Emma

Posted on August 2, 2011 | 3 comments

I have some friends I love to see. Unfortunately I don’t live near them.I have a long drive of an hour and a half once a month to see them but I feel it’s worth it. Each of us is living in Autismland but we can all communicate in typing and letter boards. Some use i-pads. I use a dynawrite or a letter board. Each of us is living the best we can in spite of our challenges.

We all have very loving families who noticed the potential in us in spite of expert advice that preferred to see us as “low functioning”. Thanks to our parents’ hard work we are free in life. I notice we all have very persistent, positive, and determined moms who didn’t want to give in to a label that told them it was hopeless. The result is that we are their kids in all ways like any other in spite of autism. In this group I don’t have to work on acting normal. I can be autistic with people who are friends, and friends with lovely, intelligent people who are autistic.

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Posted in autism, Communication, family support, friends, social behavior

Thanks Cathy

Posted on July 29, 2011 | 1 comment

My friend, Cathy, is leaving me as my aide. I have had many aides in school over the years. I am starting to accept that none stay forever, but I wish Cathy could have stayed for years. In my situation I really need an aide who is intelligent and good at communicating with me. She really assisted me in lasting all day in regular education, in communicating in class, and in doing my work in class. I got more independent as the year went on. It was like a goal I had which she helped me to achieve. Now she moves on in life and I wish her lots of luck in her goals.

Cathy, my wonderful friend, I am fortunate I had your support in school in 8th grade and at home before. Thank you for everything.

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Posted in aide, autism, high school, mainstreaming

Choosing Heroism and Harry Potter

Posted on July 24, 2011 | Leave a comment
Harry Potter is a reluctant hero. He is like a really normal guy who thanks to fate is forced into a hero role. He could have refused, but he didn’t because although inside he is an ordinary guy, he is also exceptional in bravery, stubbornness, and decency. Most heroes are like this, not seeking glory or narcissistic, they do what is right and move on in life. 
I met a hero once. He was tough on the outside and war hardened in some ways, but his eyes got moist when I embraced him. He stopped being tough in that moment.
Is Harry a great person? He is a struggling person in life and internally. Not perfect. He is human. And yet, he is great in his actions. So the answer is; he is great, and a hero. Being a great person is a choice. I suppose being a good or lousy person is a choice too.
The characters that impress me most are Harry’s loyal friends, Ron and Hermione. They choose to stick with Harry though it is dangerous. To be honest, they are more heroic in a way than Harry because it is not their fate. It is their choice.
Snape is a really complex hero of sorts because he is so damaged emotionally. It’s sad to see his rage and hatred and abuse of others, though in the end his deeds save Harry. He is a negative hero because his motive is not altruistic. It is revenge.
The best hero is Dobby who chooses freedom and with it, goodness.

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Posted in choices, Harry Potter, heroism

The Hope-Fulfiller

Posted on July 19, 2011 | 3 comments
I am religious inside like many people with my condition. Autism creates a sort of really deep spiritual connection to God. I see it in many people I know who have autism. My knowledge of religion is intuitive in some ways. I see so many people grapple with faith but I don’t need to. I feel the presence of God and it gives me hope.
In my silent years I was dialoging internally all the time with God because he was filling my lonely days with hope. I saw early that God wasn’t a wish-fulfiller because however much I prayed inside to be cured I was never out of my Autismland. I was sad in the feeling that God didn’t care and I was feeling even abandoned. I was five or six then.
I started to be able to communicate at seven, and it is always getting better. I see I am not abandoned. Now my insights are more mature, not magical. I see God as a hope-fulfiller, not a wish-fulfiller. He fills me with hope and listens to my dreams and my prayers. I think that is for me the most important thing. I mean, if I didn’t have a place to put my hopes, I would burst. 
We in Autismland are socially isolated, and even if we have loving friends and families, it’s not the same as a typical person due to our lonely illness that makes the outside world overwhelming and isolates people from us.  Inside we are imagining our words and behavior and outside we are not able to do it the way we want. Frustrating lives. Sort of alone in company.
Alone is not always bad because I am good at thinking and philosophizing. Here I dialogue with God also, so no matter what I have a companion to sit with me. In a way autism creates a spiritual roadmap, insights, and an awareness of a holy entity that I see many typical, non-autistic people missing. The blindness of neuro-typicals is to miss the spiritual too often, and my blindness is in self control. I guess I have to be grateful for this pipeline that autism has given me to a rich relationship in faith and not just empty rote actions. The isolation is like a monk in a Trappist Monastery, silent but thinking. It’s a sort of quiet relationship to have a walk with God. But I do, and I’m grateful.

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Posted in autism, God, spirituality